Friday F*ckery: Spread 'Em (for Tarot)
Tarot/Oracle spreads for your bored, sad ass
Anyone else wearing a slightly manic smile with eyes glazed over and toothpaste on your shirt while proving to your anxiety that it’s fine because you’re “trusting the universe” (i.e., stuck neck-deep in hipping hot raw sewage while trying to stay positive) (i.e., watching in horror while the universe snatches the rug out from under you.) (i.e. when Mercury retrograde doesn’t matter because your whole life has been retrograding lately.) (i.e., trying not to cry at the gas pump because the handle was sticky).
Me, too.
Let’s do something about that. Below are some fun tarot card spreads to help you giggle a little bit, be in the moment for a bit, and maybe even reset your energy before you physically attack a stranger at the grocery store.
Numerology (or something like that)
Use tarot cards (or oracle cards with numbers on them) for these spreads. You’re focusing on the number on the card. You can either re-draw if you don’t get a number card or assign numbers to the other major arcana. Or you can get wild and pull out dice, like my friend
, when she rolls for daily angel numbers.Self-care
Card 1. The number of items to delete from your Amazon cart because we’re not participating in consumerism.
Card 2. The number of orgasms to have before bed today because it’s basically your body providing itself with its own healthy drug.
Card 3. The number of friends to check-in with via text today because you’ve been in your head too much lately.
Card 4. The number of items to cross off your to-do list because they are obligations and don’t bring you joy.
Card 5. The amount of water you should be drinking because we’re all just emotional, talking plants in meat suits.
Career goals
Card 1. The number of steps in the process it’ll take to get there.
Card 2. The number of people to network with next week.
Card 3. The number of times EACH DAY you’ll look in the mirror and say out loud “Damn, bitch, you’ve got this.”
Freeze your obstacles
Card 1. The number of times you’ll need to write a hater’s name, or specific obstacle in your life, on a piece of paper
Card 2. The number of times you’ll need to fold the piece of paper after writing their name/the obstacle down.
Card 3. The number of months to keep them in the freezer after putting the piece of paper in a container with water and placing it in the freezer.
Nature
Use your cards to learn more about yourself, what you can work on, what you’re amazing at, and more.
Ask the mushrooms
Card 1. Mushrooms don’t need sunlight to grow and honestly, you don’t either (I bet you even glow in the dark like some of our fungi friends). What misconceptions do you need to examine so you can adjust your viewpoint?
Card 2. Some mushrooms can be used for medicinal purposes. What are you overlooking that can be healing to your soul or journey?
Card 3. Mushrooms can communicate with each other and plant/tree roots, some call it the “wood wide web.” What subtle undercurrents can you be tapping into for messages and directions?
Ask the roots
Card 1. Roots absorb nutrients for the plant/tree. How can you absorb more goodness?
Card 2. Roots anchor the plant/tree so it’s stable. How can you support yourself more? How can you connect with or grow a safe, supportive group?
Card 3. Roots, like carrots, are used as food. What is your soul hungry for? How can you feed it?
Card 4. Roots not only provide structure for the plant, they can help stop soil erosion, too. How are you making the space around you a better, safer place?
Ask the bees
Card 1. When should you sting a f*cker and when should you fly away?
Card 2. Bees nap in flowers with their cute little fuzzy asses hanging out. Where can you safely let your ass hang out?
Card 3. Bees communicate by dancing. Which areas of your life could be improved by brining in the energy of dance?
In case no one told you …
In case no one told you today, you’re doing a great job. Yeah, I know you cried in your coffee. I know you wish you were making more money. I know your flip flops are flapping too loudly when you walk. But I also know that you haven’t even noticed how others look up to you. They are impressed with how you navigate life. They appreciate the laughter and kindness you bring with you. They feel safe with you. You’re a bad ass even if you just feel like ass.